Harmonopoly 17: Media Recommendations For The Weepy
in which we discuss Godzilla, Kris Wolf, and cat friendship
WE’RE ON SUBSTACK NOW! What does this mean to you? Why, absolutely nothing! Except the archive for the older letters is here and the new ones will live here. I know that some Substack newsletters cost money but this newsletter will always be free. If you want to pay me for my writing though, the door is open.
(Speaking of previous Harmonopolys- if I turned some of these into a zine, would you buy one? Just kicking some ideas around.)
(Just @ me next time, Kabi Nagata!)*
MEDIA RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE WEEPY
On Saturday, my therapist said she finds my lack of crying in sessions “notable”. If you’re ever not 100% sure your life is going off the rails, having a mental health care professional express their concern that you aren’t crying ENOUGH is a hell of a confirmation. Congratulations to me, I guess?
In order to prove her wrong, I have decided to make a list of all of the media I have enjoyed in the last week that also made me cry. Because the thing is, I do cry. I just don’t cry when I’m supposed to, because I have already wasted my tears on a bunch of other stuff. What stuff? See below:
THE GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS FINAL TRAILER
I think it is well established at this point that I have a lot of feelings about Godzilla, and monsters in general. The denizens of Monster Island have a lot of space in my heart, and I am always rooting for them, which is probably why I dress less like an adult woman and more like the only child in Tokyo who knows we can trust Mothra. (Honestly, Mothra is probably the most positive maternal figure in my life right now.)
Obviously, I am hyped for this movie. I’ve been loving the new takes on Godzilla we’ve been getting lately -- Shin Godzilla is a legit sci-fi masterpiece, and the best modern Godzilla update we could hope for — but my favorite monster movies are the messy campy ones where they’re big goofy butt-kicking heroes. The final trailer for G:KOM is probably bizarre if you are not a G-Fan, but if you are, it is a confection. SEVENTEEN goddamn kaiju in this thing? Cameos from Kumonga and Anguirus? A very on-the-nose shot of motherfuckin’ monster antichrist King Ghidora juxtaposed with a crucifix? Mothra befriending an awestruck human child? All this to a minor-key version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow? Is it my birthday again already?!
WEEP FACTOR: 7/10 Godzilla movies make me cry like nobody’s business. I was already a sniffly mess when the voiceover started talking about “the return of the titans”, but as soon as Godzilla emerged from the sea I was a goner. I can’t wait to see this movie alone in the middle of the afternoon, preferably in an empty theater, so nobody hears my embarrassing hiccup-y sobs.
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE”: KRIS WOLF’S RETIREMENT SHOW
Kris Wolf is one of my favorite wrestlers in the world. I was gutted when she announced her retirement plans in February, but also very happy for her, as she’s choosing to leave the world of wrestling to recover from head trauma and live a long and happy life with the people who care about her. Wrestling is a hard business, and it destroys people so thoroughly that it makes me happy when wrestlers opt out while they still can. (Side recommendation: this printed essay is a great explanation of why wrestling is so hard to do and why watching wrestlers stay in the business past their prime can be so brutal. It’s only $2.50. It didn’t make me cry, but you should still read it. Go buy stuff from Holy Demon Army Distro
- it’s a well-curated collection and I’ve greatly enjoyed everything they’ve sent me so far.)
It was fitting that Kris had her final show at Pro Wrestling EVE, a women’s promotion that is willing to punch the fourth wall out of the way to let wrestlers have fun and make the kind of art that they want to. Kris apparently collaborated with EVE to book the show as a sort of biographical pageant, and the result is pure, chaotic wrestling joy. Session Moth Martina as an egg, desperately trying to escape a pinfall/fertilization from spermatozoa Killer Kelly (renamed “Killer Jizz” for this bit- I would have gone with “Spiller Kelly" but you do you EVE)! Jinny dressed as Jimmy Havoc, flashing the horns and fighting Jetta at a bar! A joke version of Kagetsu named “Tonkatsu” played by Jamie Hayter, who brought her actual Oedo Tai robe for the gag! It was the perfect representation of Kris: humor, heart, overt obscenities, and very good wrestling. I can’t imagine a better way for her to go out.
WEEP FACTOR: 10/10 Oh boy. I was OK right up to the end of the show. They did a joshi-style gauntlet match where Kris took on everyone on the EVE roster to say goodbye. I don’t want to spoil the whole thing because it will be up on the EVE pivotshare soon and you should just watch for yourself, but all the personalized goodbyes to Kris were sweet and emotional.
Then came the ten-bell salute to signify the end of Kris’s career and…yeah. She wept throughout, and I cried too, because the agony of it all was so plain on her face. It is so, so hard to walk away from something you love just because it’s the right thing to do. And then her wife came into the ring and kissed her while the roster threw streamers for her, and it was the loveliest most bittersweet thing I ever saw, and I cried so much I got a headache.
Also, because it’s kind of related: one of the main reasons I went to WrestleMania weekend is because I knew it would be my last chance to see Kris wrestle before she retired. I did see her at SHIMMER, and that was amazing, but better still was seeing her in person at a bar in Manhattan for the Gay Young Classic. I bought her a whiskey and told her I was a huge fan. I was so damn nervous, but she was incredibly nice! We talked about the DDTPro show and she asked if we could get a selfie(!!!), which is below. I was trying to play it cool, like I meet my heroes in bars all the time, but y’know. I don’t know if she knew how much that little moment meant to me, but it made my whole weekend. Thank you, Kris.
THE CATS WHO BECAME BEST FRIENDS ON TWITTER
This is probably the stupidest thing I have cried at all week. But surely you have seen the viral tweet where Simon the Cat started sitting in the window of his apartment and gazing longingly at a cat in an opposite window? And then Simon’s owner put up a sign asking what the other cat’s name was, and the other apartment responded that their cat was named Theo and also that Simon was Theo’s best friend?
WEEP FACTOR: 5/10 Y’all, I legitimately wept tears of joy over the imaginary friendship between these cats. They found each other! They connected! Simon has a best friend now, and it’s another cat, and cat friendship is totally real and not a projection from oversensitive humans like myself! Love is real and cats are great.
(I do think it’s funny that when the cats met in real life they didn’t seem to give much of a shit about each other. I mean, they’re cats. What did we expect?)
HONORABLE MENTIONS LIST FOR THINGS THAT MADE ME CRY BUT NOT THAT MUCH
The 36 Candles episode of Difficult People (RIP, gone too soon)
Some asshole knocked my passenger-side mirror off and I JUST got the passenger-side window fixed from some other asshole breaking into my car, for Christ's sake, buncha fucking assholes in this city
Someone who ghosted me on OKCupid actually texted me to apologize, and was very nice about it, restoring perhaps 5% of my overall faith in humanity
“Song For Sasha Banks” by The Mountain Goats, also just thinking about Sasha Banks in general and how much goodness she deserves in her life
A nice co-worker randomly bringing me a homemade smoothie because she thought I could use a good breakfast
A sign in a Petland window that reminded me they have puppies in there and the puppies need homes and I cannot adopt all the puppies no matter how hard I try
Applying for a new apartment that I really want to live in and finding out after my application was accepted that the listing was wrong and the new place doesn’t allow cats, no exceptions, and they won’t give my application fee back because that’s my fault apparently? Whatever.
*My Solo Exchange Diary Vol. 1 by Kabi Nagata
Everything having to do with Mothers Day, just all of it. I want to launch Kay Jewelers into the sun.
Hearing the Interpol song my ex-husband’s ringtone came from unexpectedly on the way to work
Seeing a MedicAlert commerical and feeling profoundly sorry for the injured senior citizens who are only trying to live independently and enjoy their golden years without all this fucking hassle
Creating a vegan grain salad recipe for a potluck and being afraid I’d inadvertently feed someone bits of an animal (it turned out great though!)
What made you cry this week? Let me know!