Harmonopoly 22: I Only Want to Listen to Old Town Road For The Rest of the Summer
I NEVER FIND OUT (ABOUT A PODCAST) TILL I’M HEAD OVER HEELS Did you know I do a podcast about the Netflix series GLOW? Did you know it’s called Head Over Heels and we’ve covered two seasons of the show already?! Did you know that my co-host for said podcast is renowned TV writer and podcaster Meryl Williams, best known for the Texas Forever podcast, which is about a TV show I have never watched but I still listen to it every now and then just because the hosts are fun? Did you know that Meryl and I are coming back in mid-August to tackle GLOW’s third season, and we’ve already recorded two preview episodes so you don’t even have to wait until August for new episodes?
There are so many mysteries in this world that only you can solve. Start by listening the best GLOW podcast there is, the best GLOW podcast there was, and the best GLOW podcast there ever will be here (or find us on Spotify).
STORY CLUB COLUMBUS IS NEXT WEEK OH MY GOODNESS Guys, I am hosting Story Club Columbus next week! It’s Tuesday, 8pm at the Rambling House. We have three awesome tellers lined up and I’m super-excited. Please come check us out if you can!
OLD TOWN ROAD IS THE ONLY SUMMER JAM I CARE ABOUT
This is why Old Town Road is the only song in the world to me right now:
IT EXPOSES “I LIKE EVERY KIND OF MUSIC EXCEPT RAP AND COUNTRY” AS A GARBAGE TAKE
Unbelievable but true: in the year of our lord Beyonce 2019, I still am seeing “every kind of music except rap and country” listed in the “Music” section of people’s dating profiles. Really? Did you really think this was actually a neutral preference to express, or did you just realize it wasn’t cool to say you don’t like poor people and you’re possibly kind of racist? Are you sincerely trying to sit here and tell me you’ve listened to everything from Merle Haggard to MF DOOM and you’ve found it all wanting? I don’t believe you. Sorry.
Anyway, it’s too bad, because the genres you hate had a baby and it’s the number one song in the country now. Lil Nas X has empirically proven you wrong. That song just went diamond. I have no idea what that means on a record-selling level, but I do know that it makes you an out-of-touch nerd if you don’t like it. Deal with it, nerd!
IT IS VERY FUN TO YELL ALONG WITH IN A CAR
Have you seen that video of all those schoolkids just losing their minds when Lil Nas X visited their school? It’s adorable and hilarious, and highlights an important truth about the song: it is fun as hell to yell along with. Here in the Midwest, we have finally moved from Questionably Spring-ish I Guess to The Fetid Humid Demon Belly of Summer. This means you have to drive around with your car windows down for at least part of your commute, or you’re trapped in an aquarium of your car’s stink. When your car windows are down, your music has to be loud enough to compensate for highway noise. If you’re anything like me, having a precise catalog of songs that are fun to sing along with AND fun to yell along with is key to summer commute survival.
Old Town Road is PERFECT for this. You will know all the words by the second time you hear it. If not, you can chant the word “horse” over and over again, nail the “can’t nobody tell me nothing” chorus and just remember that in this particular song “sports car” rhymes with “sports bra”. You’re golden from there. Enjoy yourself.
IF COOL-LOOKING COWBOY STUFF GETS POPULAR ENOUGH THEY WILL START MAKING IT FOR FAT PEOPLE AND THEN I CAN HAVE SOME
As a fat lady whose clothing style drifts towards butch jackets and floral embroidery, there is nothing I want more than a good lookin’ nudie suit I can wear to hosting gigs and funerals and whatnot. Most western clothing in my size is more trash than flash. A plus-sized Gram Parsons doesn’t have a lot of options. It is my sincere hope that people will start to mass-produce cool-looking yeehaw shit based on the excellent looks that this dude brings to performances and TV appearances. This is the best potential fashion thing that has happened to me since everyone said “fuck it” and bushy eyebrows became on-trend.
DOLLY PARTON HAS SAID SHE IS INTERESTED IN DOING AN OLD TOWN ROAD REMIX WHICH GIVES US ONE TINY GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE ENDLESS HELLSCAPE THAT 2019 HAS BECOME
This is the only thing I care about now. Give me my Dolly Parton Old Town Road remix, please. Bless Lil Nas X for giving the world something to look forward to in the darkest of times. It’s actually awesome that someone who loves to make music and have fun and do cool shit on the internet is building an audience. There are very few sources of irreverent, unfettered joy in this world and I am glad that one of them is getting a day in the sun. I hope he’s investing wisely. I also hope he keeps showing up on TV in those awesome nudie suits. Horses forever!
(also his EP is actually great! Pitchfork didn’t like it but who cares what they think. God forbid people just make music for fun sometimes. Dang. )